Just a week ago or so I was sitting on the couch and reading a book to my two little grandsons Connor and Tyson. Without any warning, Connor pushes right at my belt-line and says, “What’s this Grandma?” I replied, “You mean my belt?” “No” he said, pushing right above my belt, “This, right here! Do you have a baby in your belly too?” It’s all about babies right now for these two since they will welcome a new sibling in their house this summer.
I was trying not to take it personally and believe that Connor really thinks I look six months pregnant, so I laughed out loud which caused both of them to erupt into giggles. My vanity says, I was just slouching while sitting so my middle section was protruding a bit, and since babies are on the brain it would be only natural to think that Grandma would be joining the fun! After all, Tyson had referred to “his baby” in his belly when he crashed on my bed recently.
As the laughter wore off I thought yes, there is a baby in my belly, although not a “baby” as an expectant mother would have. I am pregnant with anticipation of the future even though I can’t see all the puzzle pieces and how they will fit together. It’s hard sometimes when the path you are on takes a different turn. I recently was laid off from my job. It was bittersweet just yesterday as I now was classified as a “volunteer” at one of our fundraising events, a golf tournament. I was still part of the team, but now I was no longer on the staff. I found myself tongue-tied talking to the participants when they asked what my role was in the organization. I didn’t know what to say, and fumbled over my words. I’m trying not to beat myself up because it’s the first time I had encountered that question in the context and I wasn’t prepared to give the answer never-the-less the reality of the answer. It was kind of another “what’s this” question, but for me, it is directed towards God. “What’s this God and what does it mean now?” I don’t know the answer and this blog post might not make much sense. I wrestled with just telling the cute story of Connor and leaving it at that, but this is what is flowing from my heart at the moment and so I have invited you into my journey, even if it doesn’t make sense!
So for now, being pregnant with hope for the future also means a loss and I am grieving. I am planning to still be a part of the ministry and volunteer but I will miss the community of the office and the camaraderie of my co-workers on the day to day basis. I will miss the sometimes daily crazy chaos that comes with working in a non-profit ministry that is trying to make a difference with limited resources. I will miss the God-moments of watching and hearing of lives being changed and brokenness turned into beauty. What am I pregnant with? Hope, because I know that hope is a person, my Jesus. He is what I place my hope in today even the Y in the road and unexpected twists and turns. What are you pregnant with today?